(Although I’m not actually going to answer that question in this post.)
Sometimes I do wonder about exactly how much love I am capable of. At times it feels like love just pours out of me, as much as I try to restrain it. Once I understand someone – really understand someone – I almost can’t help but loving them. It’s almost like my understanding overrides any so-called “negative” qualities they have – arrogance, anger, emotional unavailability, ignorance, etc.
That’s not so bad, you might say. Loving people is a beautiful thing.
I guess the problem lies in expectation. When I love someone, I usually crave their love in return. I think from now on I want to try and remove this expectation, this desire. I just feel so tired inside. I feel drained, and hurt, and sad, because I love too much, so soon. More than I can ever get back.
I can’t love less – I’ve tried. (Also, that sounds to me like a quite horrible thing.) So maybe I should stop asking for or wanting anything in return. I don’t mind being an open well of love, of letting people know they are loved, and getting nothing for it. I think I just need to train myself to genuinely not ask people to pay for pieces of my heart. They can just have them. You can just have them.
It’s really hard sometimes, though. Sometimes you love people, and you really want them to love you, too. If only, so that you can show them how much you really love them.
But from now on, I have no expectations. I’m not going to ask for anything in return.
It’s like that song – “‘Cause all I have to offer is my love.” Hopefully, it’s enough.