- Went to my piano lesson at 9:45 a.m.
- Skipped Music Theory to work on my paper for Mayhood.
- Went to Astronomy, where the different groups presented on fine-tuning.
- Had lunch with some cadres at Newcomb, worked on my speech for MAL.
- Went to the last actual 19th-century Music class. 😦 We talked about Nijinsky’s choreography of Prelude to “The Afternoon of a Faun” and Richard Strauss’s Don Juan. Puri is honestly my favorite.
- Headed home briefly, changed, printed out my speech, then headed to Minor for my Oxford pre-departure meeting. I am quite excited for this summer, but it also hasn’t really hit me yet.
- IRO elections went from 7 to almost midnight. Yah. Not even joking. Five. Hours.
- Afterwards the Cartel chilled out at Croads – Sam and I shared a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream – and we unwinded from the election stress. Sam actually came up to Kellogg to see the infamous view from the 5th floor. Afterwards I just went home and passed out.
Emotional update: Hmmm. It’s complicated. Prosperous Man did look very nice during elections (boys in suits! Are the best) and I thought he spoke really well when he spoke general to the topic of VP. He speaks with great maturity and has a deep sense of what, ultimately, is truly important. At the same time he’s easygoing and doesn’t take himself too seriously – I think that has been, in the end, what has drawn me to him in the last month and a half or so. There is something genuine about his personality and the way that he carries himself that I find impressive and charming, even. In my eyes, no one else in IRO compares to his personality or way of thinking. He also sort of looks like Dev Patel (my celebrity crush for like a whole year).
That being said, I am forced to become aware, more and more and more, of the great imbalance in the way we feel about each other. I don’t think there is anything actually particularly wrong in having a great admiration and affection for someone who doesn’t express or feel the same – in fact, I find it an exercise in humility and love. The problem is when expectations do arise, either consciously or unconsciously, for the feelings to be mutual.
For example, (shameless confession) I was looking forward to spending time with him at Foxfield and even made effort to get switched into his car (although, to be fair, it is objectively a better car, and two spots opened up). Yes, this is true. Probably a very clear sign that I haven’t moved on, but let’s be real, so is this blog post. Then he dropped out of Foxfield – for whatever reason. That goes to show that he wasn’t thinking, “Oh, Shreya is going to be there, I’m looking forward to it/that’s a reason for me to want to go.” And that’s just one example in many. Resto Ball is another. Me making plans in the spring break group chat is another. Don’t get me wrong – he has been nothing but friendly to me in our interactions. But this imbalance, the almost sheer apathy on his part, is very clear and very visible. And so that is what I’m currently dealing with. It does hurt, and it does make me sad. I know I have no reason to have any expectations, and I know that he was very clear about the way he feels. But it does make me sad.
That being said, the healing is underway. There are low points, naturally, and there are high points. I know I’ll be okay. And moreover, I know – even without ever having met Mr. Prosperous – that there are people out there who are much, much better for me. They probably just don’t exist very much at UVA. Mr. Prosperous did raise the bar, and reminded me of how I’m actually supposed to feel about a guy. And so I guess maybe until I find a sufficient replacement, someone who enchants and impresses me again, I’ll always be a little bit hung up on Mr. Prosperous.